Kurt

People ask me from time to time if I ever had a celebrity that I "idolized". The only one that really comes to mind is Kurt.
When I was in 6th grade, my parents both worked out of town. That meant that every morning, I had to be dropped off at school at the butt-crack of dawn. My morning ritual was to get ready, go downstairs, cut on MTV (these were the glory days when Music Television actually played...hell, I don't know.....music?) and wait for my parents to come down. One morning, I came downstairs, cut on MTV, and caught the last half of a song I had never heard before. It was loud and the singer was screaming his head off. I stupidly thought it was Alice In Chains. At the end of the video, there was the name: Nirvana. The song was called Smells Like Teen Spirit.
I was blown away.
When I got to school, I asked everyone, "Have you heard of a band called Nirvana?". No one had. Two weeks later, SLTS was at No. 1 and the album Nevermind was also at the top of the charts.
There was something about that gravel in Kurt's singing. His lyrics were often ambiguous and a little weird, so I couldn't really identify with them, but that voice, man..........it summed up every pissed of emotion I had in my stupid little teenage brain. That voice screamed it all out FOR me.
I was hooked.
Anything pertaining to Nirvana, I grabbed instantly. I played Nevermind over and over and over again. I remember the infamous MTV Video Music Awards where Kurt caused the censors to have heart attacks when, before launching into Lithium, he played four bars of a song called Rape Me. And then Kris, the bassist, cut his head open by throwing his bass in the air and it smashed down on this forehead.
I snatched up a copy of Bleach, their debut. It was rougher than Nevermind and sloppy. I loved it. Before Nirvana, I listened to what was on the radio and MTV's top ten. Nirvana showed me that there were thousands of bands not getting airplay who were leagues above the other bands out there.
When In Utero was released, I was there that day to pick it up. I remember sitting in school all day, sneaking glances at the cover and wanting to get home and listen to it. This one even had Rape Me on it. Consequently, THAT CD got played endlessly.
Kurt was my hero. He spoke for me. He screamed for me. He wore dresses to piss off homophobic people for me. He beat the holy hell out of his guitar every performance for me. He was my angst incarnate.
Soon, news broke that Nirvana were doing an episode of MTV's Unplugged. What????
This was a band who was infamous for smashing their instruments to smithereens after every gig. They played sloppy and loud. How were they going to do an acoustic performance?
Well, they did. And it was beautiful.
Stripped of the feedback and the distortion, Kurt's songs resonated. They were haunting and it reminded everyone of why you liked Nirvana in the first place. Kurt was subdued through the whole show and the final song was a cover of Leadbelly's "Where Did You Sleep Last Night?". Singing the whole night and not screaming up till that point, during the last verse, Kurt then let out with that gravely wail. It still sends chills down my spine to this day. I felt I had just witnessed one of the best musical performances ever.
Not long after that, I went to camp. I don't remember much about it. What I do remember is coming home and telling mom about the trip. As my story finished, she suddenly said, "Oh, one of the guys in that band you like died.........". I looked at her, "Who?". "I don't know his name but it was on the news". I went into the den and cut to MTV because if any musician I liked died, then it would be all over that channel. When it came on, I saw Kurt Loder sitting behind the MTV News desk and saying, "Kurt Cobain is dead from an apparently self-inflicted gunshot to the head".
I just sat there.
No.
This is wrong. Kurt's not dead. This can't be real. This has to be a joke.
My one and only hero I've ever had CANNOT be dead.
But he was.
Kurt was gone.
I remember being livid at all the people at school who wore black the next day. They didn't understand. None of those assholes could have appreciated Kurt like I did. They were just posers.
The years went on and the hurt went away. I got into other bands and life moved on. I was stoked when I heard Nirvana's drummer, Dave Grohl, was starting a new band called the Foo Fighters. Sadly, I listened to Nirvana less and less.

The other day, I listened to the Unplugged show and was moved almost to tears. I'm older now than Kurt ever was, but I'll always see him as an old soul. I know he had a huge heroin problem, yeah, we've all heard. I know he left an infant daughter behind when he stuck the shotgun barrel in his mouth and used his toe to pull the trigger.
I don't care.
Everyone has someone they looked up to and my hero was a small, lanky guy from Aberdeen, Washington. A small, lanky guy who played really loud music. A small, lanky guy who embodied all my love, hate, hurt and joy in his warbling, gravelly scream. It's been years now, but as I'm writing this, I can actually feel myself tearing up.

Thanks, Kurt
I miss you, man